Absolute Zer0
by Illogical1612
Summary: The Vault Hunters get trapped in frostbite crevasse after a Hyperion moonshot hits their car. The temperature is dropping, and Zer0's rifle is broken. My first story, so if you're gonna flame, at least use a Maliwan! Ha ha ha... ugh. *COMPLETE*
1. Avalanche

Absolute Zer0

A story by Illogical

A bright, red FML appeared above the Assassin's mask as he slowly rose to his feet.

"Ninja's up." Axton said, brushing snow off of his rifle.

As Zero regained his senses, he noticed two things. One, they were trapped in a cavern completely covered in snow. Two, the bandit technical the Vault Hunters were in was completely destroyed, and the pieces were strewn about the room.

"Where is Salvador?/He seems to have crashed again./I'm driving next time."

The former Dahl commando chuckled. "Not him this time buddy, Hyperion moonshot hit the car. He and Maya went to explore this place. See if there's some way out."

Zero noticed the hole in the almost perfect semi-sphere, which presumably led deeper into the cave. He also noticed the temperature, which was dropping.

"It's below freezing./We need to leave this place very soon/Or perish from cold."

"You said it." Axton still didn't understand why the Assassin talked in haiku, but he had gotten used to it in the time that the team had spent together. "I'm gonna try to call Sanctuary, maybe we can get some help."

While Axton tried and failed to get a signal, Zero looked around for three things that had become very important to him during his time on Pandora. His sword, his sniper rifle, and a bag of elemental kunai, which he had made using technologies from Maliwan and Tediore weapons. The first he found near the wreckage of the gunner seat, the kunai bag he found half buried in the snow, and the rifle he found in several pieces, similar to the current state of the bandit technical.

"Well that's inconvenient." Zero remarked on the condition of his sniper rifle. "I'll need to buy a new one."

He took the pieces anyways, on the off chance that the gun might be able to be repaired.

"Well, I couldn't get to Sanctuary, but Maya said they found a way out." Axton told Zero, jogging to the exit, and gesturing towards Zero to follow. "Come on, let's go."

And then the cave collapsed.


	2. Sn0wfall

Alright guys, so this is chapter 2. I guess these things are gonna be pretty short, but I am going to try to update often. Also, thank you to my first reviewer! It really means a lot to me.

As the snow fell, all Axton could think was: FUCK.

And when a chunk of ice landed square on the top of his head, all he could think was: FU-

Long story short, Axton was having a bad day.

When he came to, he came to a conclusion: I need a drink.

He then came to a second conclusion: Maya was standing over his mostly buried body.

"Need a hand?" The siren said, snickering at the commando's misfortune.

"Thanks." Axton replied. "Where's Zero?"

"Broken arm, other than that, he's fine." Maya said, pulling Axton out of the snow. "Salvador is putting a cast on him."

Axton looked around. They were no longer In a cave, but on a desert of ice, not different from the dunes of the Dust, just more white. "Do you know where we are?" Axton asked.

"No idea. It's not on the ECHO map, but I'm guessing we can't be too far away from Liar's Berg."

"I know where we are! My grandmother said mi El Abuelo came to the ice deserts looking for treasure!" Salvador yelled to the rest of the team.

"How'd he get back home?" Maya questioned.

"He didn't."

"What about the New-U stations?" Axton said. "Can't we just shoot ourselves and be back at Sanctuary?"

"No." Zero replied. "We are out of range. If we die here, we will not come back."

"Wonderful." Axton muttered. "This day keeps getting better and better."

He scanned the area, looking for possible signs of civilization, but was surprised when he actually saw what looked like a town in the distance

"You guys see that?" Axton shouted. "Looks like we might be fine after all!"

After a fairly long trek through knee-deep snow, the Vault Hunters arrived at the town.

"Hey Axton!" Salvador called over his shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"Remember when you said that we would be fine?"

"Yeah?"

"There's no one here."

"I noticed Sal." Axton said.

A faint moan came from one of the houses.

"Did you guys hear that?" Maya asked.

And then a partially-decayed body climbed through a broken window and lumbered towards them.


	3. Z0mbie!

Yeah. So about the previous chapter.

I MAY have put zombies in it. A little. 'Cause I'm not great at writing.

A large exclamation point appeared above Zero's mask as he pulled out his katana.

"¡EL DIABLOS!" Salvador screamed, running away from the walking corpse.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?" Maya yelled, drawing an E-Tech pistol.

"IT'S A 'FRICKIN ZOMBIE!" Axton exclaimed, aiming at its head with his rifle, when all of a sudden the zombie exploded, spraying gore in all directions.

"¡El DIABLO HA VENIDO A RECLAMAR NUESTRAS ALMAS!" At this point, Salvador was both crying like a 5-year old girl, as well as clutching Zero's leg, who was trying to shake the Pandoran off.

"We'd better get out of here before we get eaten alive." Axton stated. He didn't need to wait for a response. He and the other Vault Hunters sprinted out of the town.

Once they were a safe distance away, the Hunters started walking in no particular direction across the white dunes.

"Well Axton, you managed to almost get us killed with your plans again." Maya said.

"Hey, how was I supposed to know that there were brain-eating corpses hanging out there?" Axton replied.

"He has a point." Zero said.

"My grandmother told me about Jakobs Cove." Salvador said. "She told me that it was infested with zombies, until 4 adventurers cleaned it up. But I didn't think that the stories were true." His voice still wavered from the experience with the walking dead.

"Alright, well since we can't go there, we should probably find some way to leave, or some kind of shelter." Axton suggested. He then proceeded to trip over a machine gun partially buried in the snow, and fall face-first onto a patch of ice. As his nose began to bleed, he decided that he was going to take the fast travel stations from then on instead of driving.

"You know what, I'm not even gonna bother getting up this time, cause as soon as I get up, my head is gonna get shot off. I'm going to sleep." Axton told the other Vault Hunters, who were not really listening, because they realized exactly what KIND of machine gun it was that Axton had tripped over, and were already starting to dig it out of the snow.

"Hey Axton, you might want to get up." Maya said.

"Why should I?" Axton replied.

"Because it seems that we've found a car."


	4. Well, Crap

As soon as Axton heard those words, he shot to his feet.

"Seriously? You aren't just screwing with me?" Axton said, his voice showing disbelief.

"See for yourself." Maya replied, pointing towards where the car supposedly was.

And so the Commando looked, and he did find a car. One of Scooter's light runners.

"But how the hell did this get out here?" Axton still couldn't belief it, after walking for so long they might be able to rest their legs.

"Same way we did, I am guessing." Salvador said, already looking to see if the runner had any broken parts.

"We have a small problem." The rather small man said to the other Vault Hunters.

"Yeah?" Axton and Maya both said.

"We're missing an engine."

"There was one in the town." The usually quiet Zero said.

"We actually have to go back there?" Axton said, rather loudly. "Can't we just walk more?"

"'Course not. Way too far, plus we have no idea where we are." Maya said, the siren gesturing towards the empty whiteness that carried in all directions. "We would freeze to death before we got anywhere, I'm actually surprised we're not dead right now.

"Amigos, you go ahead. I will stay here and… guard the car." Salvador, who was one of the braver members, was obviously deathly afraid of the town, and had no wish to go back to it.

"Fine, but if we aren't back in 20 minutes, come in after us. Got it?" Axton told the Gunzerker.

"Si."

And with that, the Commando, the Siren, and the Assassin marched back to the town, which was probably filled with living dead, to find an engine, which Zero had apparently spotted in their short time there.

"So where was this engine again?" Maya asked Zero.

"In the garage." He replied.

"I could'a figured that out." Axton said. "But where the hell IS the 'friggin garage?"

"It's the building that had all the zombies in it." The assassin said, quiet as ever.

"Wonderful." Axton muttered.


	5. H0rde

When the group finally made it back to the abandoned, run down town, Axton had suffered several more injuries. He had 1, broken his nose, 2, dropped his gun on his foot, 3, gotten hit by a bullet that fell from the sky, and finally, gotten accidentally magically punched by Maya when she tried to heal him. But he had made it to the town without too many serious injuries.

"Alright, what's the plan?" Axton quietly asked the others, when he heard a soft hissing sound. Zero had cloaked and ran into the garage by himself, which had triggered the alarm, and alerted the zombies to the Vault Hunter's presence. And of course, since Zero was completely invisible, the zombies had no one to target except for the tasty flesh morsels right outside. I'm talking about Axton and Maya, of course.

"God damnit." Axton muttered, pulling his rifle from its place strapped to his back.

"You hate when he does that too?" Maya jokingly asked, drawing an SMG from her hip.

The zombies were climbing through windows, breaking through doors, and jumping from roofs to get to them now. The two hunters backed slowly away from the slowly growing mob as they peppered the zombies with bullets.

Meanwhile in the garage, Zero was having a difficult time finding the engine that he had previously spotted through a broken window. He looked where he thought it was, but nothing was there. He looked in the area around, and nothing was there, except for body parts that had rotted off of the living dead. Zero could also hear gunshots coming from outside the building, so he knew that his teammates were under attack. He made a quick scan of the room using his ECHO, and found what he was looking for. The engine had rolled under the table, which was odd because it was not round, and was probably pretty heavy. But ignoring this strange fact, Zero hefted the engine up, and ran back outside to join his friends.

"Hey look! He found it!" Axton said, while reloading. He knew that Zero had found the engine because, well, since Zero was invisible, and the engine was not, a car engine was floating straight towards them. It was either Zero was carrying it, or a ghost was.

Zero decloaked and kept running towards Axton and Maya. The engine was starting to grow heavy in his arms, but he kept going. He caught up to them just as they finished off the last zombie.

"Hey, nice job Zero!" Maya said to the out-of-breath assassin.

"Anyone hear that?" Axton whispered. The ground had begun to shake, and there was a stomping sound. Zero placed the engine in the snow. Just then, a giant zombie the size of a Badass Loader smashed through the wall of a building. It was looking straight at them

"Oh look, a big one/And here I thought we could leave now/That's unfortunate."


	6. R0ad Trip!

The undead giant roared, and jumped down to meet the Vault Hunters. Zero drew his digi-structing katana, and prepared for battle. The giant reared back and prepared to punch,

And the cyan blue blade of Zero]s katana punched through its chest. The decoy assassin shimmered out of existence, revealing the true Zero.

"Woah, nice job!" Axton told Zero. "I STILL can't get used to when you do that."

Maya picked up the engine. "Well, are we going or not?" She pointed to the direction of the car.

Once they reached the car, they found Salvador sleeping in the front seat. Axton slapped him in the face, and Salvador jolted awake.

"Watch it Pendejos!" Salvador told Axton. "Did you get the engine?" He said while wiping his eyes. Maya dropped the engine in response.

"I'll take that as a yes."

While Salvador installed the new engine, the others stood guard, although there wasn't too much to guard against at the moment.

"Done!" Salvador yelled. The Hunters all climbed in, but since there were only two seats, Zero had to set on top of the gun and Axton had to sit in the back, on top of the trunk. Maya was driving.

"Alright, so now that we have a car, where are we goin?" Axton asked.

Zero used his still-intact sniper rifle scope to look around.

"There is a bridge north of our current location." He said.

"Well then I guess we're going north!" Maya exclaimed while flooring the pedal.


	7. P0p

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"How 'bout now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"Axton, if you ask one more time, I will bitch-slap you so hard your face melts off."

"You're joking."

"You've seen me do it. Remember Boom and Bewm?"

"Yeah?"

"Remember that puddle of skin and blood by Boom's corpse?"

"Yes, and that was disgusting."

"Exactly."

Apparently the bridge was farther than expected. The Vault Hunters had been traveling for almost a full Pandoran day, and they still weren't even close. Axton was bothering Maya, and Salvador was busy napping. Zero was awake, he was just completely silent. Which happened a lot.

The car was running smoothly, and there was nothing attacking the Vault Hunters for once. This of course made the journey extremely boring.

"Man, I sure wish something would shoot at us." Axton said.

And just as he said that, one of the tires burst.

"Well that's wonderful." Maya muttered. "Thanks Axton, you broke the car."

"Oh come on! I didn't even do anything this time!"

"POP THAT JACKHOLE'S HEAD OPEN LIKE A GRAPE!"

A group of bandits had surrounded the car, and most of them were currently pointing their guns towards Axton's face.

"Axton?"

"Yeah?"

"Screw. You."


	8. PSYCH0

Alright guys, It's me again. Now, I've been getting a lot more reviews and stuff, and first I just wanna say, thanks to all of you. You're really kind. Also, tell your friends! :D

So, I got requested by an anonymous reviewer to do more May0, (MayaXZer0) and I would, but I'm not really on that ship. Sorry... D:

I hope that you still read my story even with the lack of May0nnaise.

I will, however, put Gaige in future chapters or fics, if it is requested! :D

Now I'm gonna be honest. I've always wanted to write a chapter like this.

* * *

The Vault Hunters put their hands up. What else were they supposed to do? It was that or get shot to death. The lead nomad began to speak.

"Hey blue-haired chick, bend over!" He called out, while nudging his shotgun in Maya's direction. The rest of the bandits began to laugh.

"Screw off."

"Maya? You might not want to piss off the guys that are holding guns to our heads."

"Amigos, if we do not survive, it was nice knowing you."

"..." Zero was silent as usual.

"Hey boss! Aren't these the ones that Hyperion wants?" One of the bandits yelled out.

"Well then, it must be our lucky day!" The leader motioned to one of his cronies. "Tie 'em up, and bring 'em onto the skiff."

As a bruiser stepped towards the Vault Hunters with rope and blindfolds, a faint "NIPPLE SALADS!" rang out across the wastelands.

"What the hell?" Salvador said. The group was used to some pretty strange things being said on Pandora, mostly by Psychos, but this was new. He looked in the direction of the shout and saw a rather large psycho with a rather large buzz axe running towards them.

"KILL IT!" The bandit leader yelled. As bullets pelted the psycho's skin, he seemed to completely ignore them, and kept charging at full speed.

The psycho said something like; "I WILL RIP YOUR INTESTINES OUT AND STRANGLE YOU TO DEATH WITH THEM!", and pounced on the armored nomad, cutting his head clean off with his axe. He then picked up the severed head, and threw it at a nearby marauder, who then exploded from the force of the impact. At this point, Axton was staring wide-eyed, Salvador was wearing a look of respect, Maya had turned around, and Zero was staring into space.

The psycho tore an arm off of the nomad's corpse and threw it at a fleeing bruiser, impaling him through the chest, and severing his spinal cord. Then the psycho pulled out a handful of dynamite sticks, and hurled them at the remaining bandits. They died a quick, and excruciatingly painful death. He then turned towards the Vault Hunters.

"DESERVING!" The psycho yelled. His face seemed to twitch, and his voice changed. "Or innocent?"


	9. Adventure Time!

The massive psycho stared down at the vault hunters.

"Um... we aren't with them. The guys that you just killed, I mean. They attacked us." Maya said after what felt like hours. "I'm Maya, that's Axton, that's Salvador, and over there is Zero. Who are you?"

"KRIEG!" The psycho yelled with a booming voice worthy of Torgue himself.

"Uh, nice to meet you, Krieg!"

"YES! MEAT IS GOOD!"

Axton made a cuckoo sign with his finger.

"Well Krieg, we kinda got lost out here. Do you know the way to Liar's Berg?"

"NO!"

"Uh, do you have a car?"

"NO!"

"How did you get here? Where did you come from?"

"I DON'T KNOW! BUT I ENJOY KILLING BAD GUYS!"

Salvador gave a thumbs-up. He obviously approved of Krieg's mind-set.

Krieg began to sniff the air. He then yelled; "NIPPLE SALADS!" And started running off again.

"Should we follow him?" Axton asked.

"Why not." Maya replied.


	10. W0rd Picture

Okay guys, It's like 4:30 in the morning, and I've been up all night playing Counter-Strike.

I have decided that I will DEFINITELY write Gaige at some point. Maybe not in this fic though, definitely at some point.

Also, sorry If I'm grossing anyone out with the Krieg-writing, I'm trying to make him as gruesome as possible :3

Anyways, I'm gonna say something about Maya right now. I don't really know the extent of her powers, so I'm gonna make stuff up. K?

* * *

Let me paint you a word picture:

The sun is setting in the Pandoran horizon.

Bright shades of pink, orange, yellow, and red wash over the landscape.

The rakk are cawing.

The skag pups have come out to play.

Krieg bellows with rage as he cleaves through the skull of an engineer with his axe.

Crimson red liquid, shards of skull, and brain chunks splatter across the snow.

A single flower is in bloom among the ice and snow of the frozen wasteland.

Krieg blows up several guards, and doesn't even look at the explosion.

Salvador is shooting roids up his arm.

Axton is getting shot in the knee. Multiple times.

"AAAAGH!" Axton screams in pain, while rolling around in a pool of his own blood. "WHAT THE FUCK!"

"CALM DOWN AXTON!" Maya shouts. "I CAN'T STOP THE BLEEDING IF YOU KEEP MOVING!"

"AKIMBO!" Salvador pulls out twin rocket launchers, and unleashes a barrage of exploding mortars.

Now, you may be asking where Zero is at this point. And I'll tell you.

You see, the Vault Hunters had followed Krieg to a Hyperion Outpost, and Zero had gotten himself shot by a Hyperion Sniper. Ironic, no? He wasn't killed, of course, but he was definitely not battle-ready. After all, if you get shot in the heart, that's generally NOT a good thing. So, Maya had teleported him to a pocket dimension, where he could heal while they fought the rest of the Hyperion guards.

"Thank you for riding the Psycho Express, Tooh-tooh! All aboard, I'll be collecting your tickets, we have beverages in the DINING CAR!" Krieg yelled while smacking a Hyperion Hawk in the chest, who coincidentally landed in the kitchen. He exploded, of course.

Krieg ran into an open door of the Hyperion Outpost.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING!" Maya called. Axton was still wailing in pain. "Oh stop it Axton I've seen you take worse." She then slapped him in the face.

"I HAVE A PLAN!" Krieg shouted back. "BOOM BOOM TIME!"

About 10 seconds later, Krieg jumped out of an open window, with the Outpost being enveloped in flame behind him.

Basically, It exploded, like everything seems to do these days.


	11. By P0pular Demand

So, to answer some questions.

MayaxKrieg (Which will NEVER happen in my fic, :P) would be NutMayeg. See, cause Krieg is nuts, and Nutmegs...

Yeah...

Also, thanks to Elemental Hybrid for his multiple reviews! You're great man!

* * *

Maya was wrapping Axton's knee in a thick cloth bandage when a car burst through a wall, with Krieg in the driver's seat. There was blood splattered across the windshield.

"I FOUND CAR!" The psycho shouted, grinning wickedly. Axton began screaming again.

"AAAAGH!" He screamed in pain. "MY LEG!"

Krieg had run over his leg.

"OOPS. I DID NOT MEAN TO HURT YOU." Krieg said in his booming voice.

"WELL GOOD JOB ON THAT BIG GUY!" Axton yelled back.

"CALM DOWN AXTON YOU'RE BLEEDING ALL OVER THE PLACE!" Axton's leg was broken, and spurting blood. "STOP MOVING DAMNIT!"

"AAAAAUUUGHHH!"

"Why don't you give him a Vulcan Nerve Pinch?" Said a small voice coming from the car.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW TO-Wait, who was that?"

The head of a red-haired girl popped out of the side of the window. "Hey, how are you?"

"…Krieg?"

"YES!"

"Who is that?"

"GAIGE!"

"Where did you find her?"

"SHE BUILT THE CAR!"

Maya turned towards the girl, who was grinning ear to ear.

"Krieg?"

"YES!"

"She's sixteen."

"YES!"

Gaige hopped out of the passenger's seat, and jogged towards Maya.

"Well, you know who I am, who are you? Are you a Vault Hunter? OOH! OOH! HAVE YOU KILLED ANY DUDES!?"

"Er… I'm Maya, yes, and yes."

"Who's the guy rolling around in a pool of blood?"

"Oh that's Axton. He'll be fine."

"Well, nice to meet you Maya!"

"Right, so, how did you get here?"

"It's a long story! And I'll tell you! It all began a couple months ago..."


	12. DANG IT AXTON WHAT THE F

Heyyyyy!

So, how are you guys? This story has almost got 3000 views, wooo!

I'm gonna be ending this soon, I feel it's kinda gotten off-track from what I originally wanted. There WILL be a sequel though. A very silly sequel.

* * *

"And THAT'S how I came to Pandora!"

"...You exploded her?" Maya asked, surprised that Gaige had killed someone so young.

"Yep!" Gaige was wearing a sinister grin. "That bitch blew up! There was blood EVERYWHERE!"

"So how did you get out here in the middle of no where?"

"We'll you see, I've been working on a teleporter, but it needs some work. On it's test run, I ended up here."

"Do you HAVE the teleporter?"

"Yeah I do, it's right over there in the car, just don't push the red-"

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!


	13. All Y0ur Questi0ns Answered!

1. Where is Zer0 in this story? (Anonymous)

Well, I was planning to make it a more Zer0-centric story, hence the name. Ended up not being so much.

2. Is there any MayaxZero in this story? (Anonymous)

Not purposely, no. I'm not really a big fan of ZeroxMaya.

3. NIPPLE SALADS! I bet you couldn't keep a straight face while writing that! (Anonymous)

No. No I could not.

4. Lemme guess, Axton pushed the freaking button. (Elemental Hybrid)

Yes, yes he did.

5. More chapters! I wanna read more! :) (Anonymous)

If you look at my account, I did start writing a sequel. However, I may take a break from the Borderlands ficc-ing, and put that one on hold. What do you guys think about Assassin's Creed? Or Team Fortress?


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